Jay, Dating.

The old love life has been a bit slapdash lately, what with working like crazy and being an up-and-coming-unrecognized-genius and all. On the advice of some good friends, I bit the bullet. I joined JDate.

Fuck you and your stigma - it’s 2009 and we’re all practically robots anyway. Go on. Tweet about it. You fucking hippies.

In the spirit of keeping it real Jewish, I’ve elected to use only the free profile. For the uninitiated, the free profile lets you post pictures and your description and all that, and lets you surf through the bevy of jewesses and search for potential women to worry themselves half to death about your future spawn, oy gevalt. But it won’t let you exchange contact information or read any of the email-like messages you can send.

What you can do, however, is exchange instant messages. Like Facebook Chat, if you’re both online and someone clicks the IM box, a tiny window pops up and you can have the equivalent of a first date IM. Lots of small talk and questions about where you were from and what you do. I’m sure if it were going well it’d be a nice way to exchange real actual human contact info and avoid the jew claws of JDate’s message blocking.

You always have to double-think someone’s profile picture. It’s the first thing you elect to share with the internet dating world (or ‘The Pulse Fingerers,’ as I like to call them.)

This particular girl was wearing some kind of elaborate and humongous ring in all of her pictures that looked somewhat like a turtle. Or not at all. I dunno. She wasn’t all that cute, and she spelled a lot of words in her profile wrong, which is such a turn off I can’t even tell you. If you’re gonna be on a dating site, spell check that shit. Anyway, sadly enough, the turtle ring thing was the most interesting thing about this girl.

So. This happened. And for the record, she IMed me.

Names changed to protect the not-so-attractive.

Filberta:  hey there
ajayinthelife:  Hi
ajayinthelife:  Um… Is that a turtle in your picture?
Filberta:  no should it be?

(Editor’s Note: What the fuck does this mean? Is this flirtation? Is this like some back door kinky thing? Flirty turtle talk? Was she flurtling? If I had said yes, would she have made me call her a naughty turtle? What the fuck, Filberta, what the fuck.)

ajayinthelife:  Um. Sure?
Filberta:  Allright haha
ajayinthelife:  So where are you from?
ajayinthelife:  Turtle Beach?
Filberta:  Not really sure what the turtle is implying
ajayinthelife:  Yeah me neither, thats why  I asked you about the turtle in all your pictures
ajayinthelife:  Is it a pet?
Filberta:  What turtle?
ajayinthelife:  I dunno, dude, it’s your turtle
ajayinthelife:  I certainly don’t own a turtle
Filberta:  I don’t either? :S
ajayinthelife:  yeah I’m sorry about the turtle stuff
Filberta:  I’m not sure I’ve ever been more confused
ajayinthelife:  That makes two of us, Turtle Girl.
Filberta’s IM window is closed.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, until I truly believe it stops being funny. Which was probably the first time I said it:

Every date I go on is a Jay Date.

Zing. Get it? Because it’s my name. Fuck off.

More to come, probably. Unless Turtle Girl googles me. In which case, it’s not you, it’s me. No, just kidding. It’s you.